Detroit | CHELSEA/esque

Chelsea vs. Luton Town : 25 August 2023.

It’s hard to believe that the home match with newly-promoted Luton Town would only be my fifth Chelsea match against the team from the much-derided town in Bedfordshire. We met plenty of times from the mid-‘seventies to the early ‘nineties, but not many times since.

For some reason, the mention of Luton Town always takes me back to the first day of 1980 and an early kick-off at Kenilworth Road, a frosty pitch, and most of the players wearing trainers. The game was an entertaining 3-3 draw. A more notorious away game had taken place five years earlier, in January 1975, when the two teams eked out a 1-1 draw, but Chelsea fans set fire to the train taking them back to London after the game. I was at neither game.

My first Luton game took place on Saturday 8 May 1982 at the end of a “typical” Chelsea season that saw us over-perform in both domestic cups but under-perform in our Second Division campaign. I travelled up alone, on the train, and remember buying the wonderful Le Coq Sportif pinstriped – and super shiny – home shirt before the game. I watched from The Shed and I recollect Paul Canoville’s home debut, sadly accompanied by boos, and I remember a 1-2 loss and a Clive Walker goal. That season, Luton – in a very fine kit of their own, all white with Adidas stripes in orange – narrowly beat neighbours Watford to the Second Division Championship. There was a deep contrast in styles between these two rivals. Luton played expansive, skilful stuff using a variety of attacking options whereas Watford were “route one” merchants, utilising wingers and tall centre-forwards.

I then saw us play Luton Town at Stamford Bridge on 11 January 1986. I watched with my mate Swan in the East Lower – using complimentary tickets if I am not mistaken – and we won 1-0 via David Speedie.

Next up was the famous FA Cup semi-final in 1994 when two Gavin Peacock goals sent us to an FA Cup Final for the first time in twenty-four years. Kerry Dixon was playing for Luton Town by now and we certainly gave him a full-on reception. Looking back, the win on that day – in my mind – changed our history.

A loss; back to being normal unpredictable Chelsea.

A win; guaranteed European football what with our Cup Final opponents already looking like being crowned League Champions and thus a Champions League place in 1994/95. We would slide into the ECWC, and our profile would be raised, thus enticing Gullit and Hughes the following pre-season.

Lastly, just over eighteen months ago, a first-ever visit for me to the infamously compact stadium of Kenilworth Road where we squeaked a narrow 3-2 FA Cup win on a night when we heard that Roman Abramovich had put the club up for sale. The scorers? Saul Niguez, Timo Werner and Romelu Lukaku. God, that already seems like three teams ago, doesn’t it?

So, game number five and a Friday flit up the M4 with the usual suspects.

After a decent run out against Liverpool followed by a disappointing performance at West Ham, one phrase was surely uttered by us a few times, and by thousands of others.

…”well, if we can’t beat Luton.”

On paper, this was a run-of-the-mill football match, but not for me. I would be joined by my very good mate JR from Detroit. He was last alongside me at Stamford Bridge, alongside Alan in The Sleepy Hollow, for the PSG home game in March 2016, a 1-2 loss. The last Chelsea game we saw together was in Ann Arbor in July of the same year, a 2-3 loss against Real Madrid, in front of – officially – the largest ever crowd to attend a Chelsea game.

105,826.

I suspect the Moscow Dynamo game exceeded that figure but we will never know.

The last sports fixture that we both attended took place the day after the Real Madrid game; a 11-0 win for his Detroit Tigers against Houston Astros in downtown Detroit.

Seven years ago. Damn, where has the time gone?

I met up with JR just after 5pm, alongside Dan, whose wedding in deepest Cambridgeshire JR is attending with his wife Erin next weekend.

It was lovely to see them both again. The last time I saw Dan was – we think – before the away game in Newcastle in January 2020, before COVID, before the lockdown, before football behind closed doors, before Putin, before the sale, before Clearlake, before “Supermarket Sweep” and another age, or so it seems.

We decamped to “The Butcher’s Hook.”

Some Chelsea young’uns were finishing off that horrible Arsenal chant aimed at Tottenham – “that’s alright”, my arse – in front of a sea of Chelsea-liveried tourists, and then went into “Chelsea Alouette” with all the actions. It seemed like the “So Bar” circa 2006 had moved east a few hundred yards. Dan said he saw an over-protective father cup the ears of his child to protect said junior from the swearing.

This is football, not soft play.

Chelsea World Is A Small World Part One.

At the first Frome Town league game of this season, a fortnight ago, my mates Francis and Tom were checking out the antics of the new club mascot Dodge The Dog. Tom, who is originally from Cambridge and follows Cambridge United, told the story of how his team’s mascot is called Marvin The Moose.

Francis and I immediately recoiled at the name, since there seemed to be little relevance to Cambridge to an animal that inhabits the northern extremities of North America, Scandinavia and Russia. However, Tom told the story of how one Cambridge fan just started bellowing “moose!” during a particular game for no apparent reason, and others latched on to the idea. Oh, I approved of that. Here was a story that seemed totally organic, from within the club’s rank and file, rather than from the imagination of an out-of-touch marketing guru.

Knowing that Dan was a Cambridge United season ticket holder, I happened to share this story with Dan and JR. With a broadening smile, Dan admitted that on occasion, he has dressed up as Marvin The Moose at their home games.

I shared this with Francis, who then shared it with Tom.

There were ripples of football laughter reverberating from London to Frome and to who knows where.

“Moose!”

We called into see Steve, from Somerset, at the programme stall and then Marco at the “CFCUK” stall opposite. Chidge was there too, and JR remembered how he had taken part in a “Chelsea Fancast” from 2011 on the occasion of his first-ever visit to Stamford Bridge. JR’s first ever game here was the West Ham game, the Torres goal, and we remembered that day well. Again, twelve years ago? Oh boy.

We trotted over to “Simmons” where we hoped a few of the usual suspects would congregate. Dan was surprised by the choice of venue.

“This isn’t the sort of bar I’d expect you to frequent, Chris.”

“It’s handy for evening games, being so near the stadium, just a ten-minute walk away.”

We settled down and waited for some troops to arrive. We didn’t have to wait long.

Luke, Aroha, Alan, Daryl, Parky, plus a few more.

The music boomed.

Chelsea World Is A Small World Part Two.

I often speak of my friend Andy from Nuneaton and his daughter Sophie, who sometimes meet us down “The Eight Bells”, and I was especially hoping that they would show up for this pre-match. Andy visited Detroit in 1987 with his Chelsea mate Jonesy – also mentioned herein – and took in a game at old Tiger Stadium. With Daryl and I favouring the New York Yankees over the years, Andy always used to tell us that “his” Detroit Tigers were better even when they weren’t. He always talks about their slugger Kirk Gibson. So, with JR on his way over from Detroit, I wanted to surprise Andy with some Tigers merchandise. To that end, JR picked up a mug and a pair of socks at the airport. I wanted to be able to present Andy with his gifts in the bar. Imagine my joy when I looked over to see Sophie arrive.

Lo and behold, not only did Andy soon appear, but he stood right next to JR at the bar. This was too good an opportunity to miss. I quickly walked over and stood between the two of them.

“JR, this is Andy.”

“Andy!”

“Andy, this is JR. He’s from Detroit.”

“Detroit!”

JR was wearing a Tigers cap, but I am not sure Andy recognised the fine detail. I then explained the back story and soon presented Andy with his gifts. He was well-pleased. It was a lovely moment.

The bar was noisy with a backdrop of classic pre-match music from “the football years”; a little David Bowie, a little Madness, some Oasis, some Blur, a little Specials, even the Frome Town song “A Town Called Malice.”

On his delayed trip from Detroit to Heathrow, JR had suffered the misfortune of his luggage taking a detour to Amsterdam but I could see he was enjoying this.

It was a Friday. The first day of a three-day weekend. The first game of three for me.

Time to relax.

Kinda.

In the midst of this mini-festival of football that was to encompass three stadia and five teams…Chelsea, Luton Town, Yate Town, Frome Town and Larkhall Athletic…there was a hospital appointment for me on the Sunday that was never completely out of my mind. But more of that later.

At about 7.20pm, JR, Dan and I set off for Stamford Bridge. We had, luckily, just missed a heavy downpour that had drenched the streets outside. Dan had managed to get hold of a ticket in the MHU and so he would not be too far away from us.

In we went.

JR met up with PD again, and Al soon joined us.

No surprises that Luton Town brought 3,000 with them. I have only ever met one Luton Town fan in my life – Turin, 2009 – and I wondered if he was in The Shed.

I made sure that JR sat between Alan and little old me. I wanted JR to witness the full “Sleepy Hollow Audio Visual Experience”, and I was especially thinking of the moment – hopefully – when we would take the lead and a certain famous interchange would take place between Alan and I.

JR’s noggin would be right in the middle of it.

The away fans were noisy, as expected. This was, after all, their first top flight visit to SW6 since 31 August 1991. That game, which we won 4-1, was made memorable for marking Vinnie Jones’ debut in Chelsea colours. I can keenly remember where I was that afternoon; near Ashby-de-la-Zouch in Leicestershire on an inter-company sports day, playing five-a-side, and spotting a girl in our team who took part in a few other events. I would go out with Sam on a couple of occasions and I think Vinnie Jones fared better at Chelsea than I did with her, but there you go.

“Park Life” was aired…”Parky Life” more like, I thought, and then the pre-match bullshit started, the flames and all, ending up with a dickhead bellowing into the mic : “make some noise!!!”

Oh do fuck off mate.

Our team lined up as below :

Sanchez

Gusto – Disasi – Silva – Colwill

Gallagher – Caicedo – Enzo

Sterling – Jackson – Chilwell

Or something like that.

In the Sleepy Hollow –

Chris – JR – Al – PD

Luton were wearing an away kit, all white with a broad vertical orange stripe. New buy Moises Caicedo took a position in our midfield. Former Chelsea player Ross Barkley started his first game for Luton after his spell with Nice. The air was full of drizzle. There were dark storm clouds over the East Stand. I guessed that they had just passed.

The game began with us attacking The Shed as per normal. The away support was on top from the off.

“Come on Lu’on, come on Lu’on.”

JR spoke about the fact that only two of the starting eleven have their own songs; Thiago Silva and Connor Gallagher, with two each.

We were treated to a scintillating run from Raheem Sterling on the right, deep into the heart of the crowded Luton defence and he looked interested from the first kick. There was a fierce shot from Sterling, a volley, that was saved by the Luton ‘keeper. Next, a riser from Enzo outside the box that skimmed the bar.

A rare attack for Luton after a slip by Caicedo but a wild shot flew high past the goal frame.

On seventeen minutes, Sterling ran through the Luton defence with a sublime piece of attacking intent, his weaving taking him away from tackles. At every juncture I thought he had taken it one step too far but he kept the ball close to him throughout. There was a dummy, and then the confident stab home.

The crowd erupted. There was pandemonium behind the goal where Sterling had slotted the ball in. Limbs were flying. The striker ran behind the netting and a few team mates joined in the wild celebrations. Whatever pre-match substances and liquids had been imbibed before the game were being mixed with an adrenalin rush to the head caused by the euphoria of an early goal. We are, after all, goal addicts.

It was pure Shedonism.

Then, our big moment.

I looked behind JR and caught Alan’s eye.

We looked at each other and I suspected that we were both thinking the exact same thing.

Alan paused for a few seconds.

Alan : “They’ll have to come at us now.”

Chris : “But not necessarily in the right order.”

Alan burst out laughing. Yes, he had been thinking the same thing. It was our perfect homage to Eric Morecambe.

I turned to JR : “Did you catch that electricity that buzzed past you there mate?”

I am sure that JR didn’t have a clue about our wise words, but he didn’t let on. Alan and I were giggling like schoolkids.

Back to the game.

A Colwill error on the goal-line let in a Luton attacker but the move was stewarded out for a corner. A Barkley near-post header from the resultant corner flew over the bar.

However, we absolutely controlled the first-half. I spotted that Nicolas Jackson often came deep to pick up the ball and run. It was reassuring to see a young forward looking to impact the game. After his far from perfect debut in Stratford, Moises Caicedo settled in nicely and broke up a few rare Luton attacks. At the break, I took a photo of JR alongside Alan and P-Diddy.

JR had put the “D” in Row D.

Kerry Dixon took the mic at half-time and said a few things. Thirty-nine years ago, on Saturday 25 August 1984, it was Kerry’s goal that sent all of us in the Clock End delirious. The clip of that goal always sends shivers down my spine.

The second-half was a far livelier affair. There was a natty one-two between Chilwell and Jackson but with only the ‘keeper to beat, Chilwell just couldn’t trust his right foot and tried to square the ball to Sterling. The pass was intercepted and we all groaned. Next, a neat volley from Jackson that forced a block. We were starting to purr.

A cross from Sterling, a crashing shot from Enzo that smacked the post.

From the away fans :

“Conference Champions, you’ll never sing that.”

Fair play.

Enzo raced on to a pacey through ball but could only hit the side netting.

Jackson swivelled well down below us but hit a strong shot at the ‘keeper.

I turned to JR :

“At long last, it looks like we have a decent young striker to hang our hat on.”

There was a comic interlude that amused us. A ball went off and had to be retrieved by a Luton player. It suddenly dawned on me that there were no ball boys – or girls – along the West Stand touchline. In fact, the stadium’s only five ball boys – or girls – were sat in two groups in front of the Matthew Harding. One group of two, one group of three. And they were adamantly refusing to budge to chase down stray balls. Their insouciance was captivating.

I wondered if their pre-match instructions went something like this.

“OK, the idea is for you five to take your stools and sit equidistantly on the perimeter of the pitch so that balls can be given back to the players as quickly as possible. Is that understood?”

I imagined a sea of blank faces.

Equidistant?

Perimeter?

And then a lone voice…

“Yes fam.”

They hardly moved the entire match, the little buggers.

What made it funnier was that each had “Ball Squad” bibs on.

Ball squad, my arse.

Jackson was running himself into the ground and impressing us all with his industry. He was certainly tenacious. I liked Gusto on the right, rarely a wasted pass.

A bouncing effort from Luton on the hour was gathered well by Robert Sanchez.

We were begging, though, for a second goal. Thankfully on sixty-nine minutes, a move that was beautiful in its simplicity allowed the ball to be moved quickly. Sterling to Caicedo to Gallagher, then to Gusto who sent in a low centre that Sterling swept home easily. He ran over to the far side and Stamford Bridge boomed again.

2-0 and safe, surely?

On seventy-five minutes, a lovely move developed. Enzo scooped a beautiful ball up and over the Luton defence for Sterling to collect. His first-time cross was stabbed home by that man Jackson and we all beamed a huge smile as he raced away.

Three-nil and coasting, the manager brought on three very late subs.

Lesley Uguchukwu for the excellent Jackson.

“We’ll just call you Les” chirped Alan.

Ian Maatsen for Chilwell.

Mason Burstow for Sterling, who was warmly applauded off.

Raheem has been a difficult player to warm to hasn’t he? Let’s hope his fine performance against Luton – yes, I know, it was only Luton – can be replicated over and over again this season.

A late song for our visitors…

“Shit fucking airport, you’re just a shit fucking airport.”

Quite.

At the final whistle, there was a genuine relief of seeing us win a game at Stamford Bridge for the first time since Dortmund in March, a couple of managers ago.

“Enjoyed that.”