Tag Archives: Selhurst Park

Tales From The Famous, The Famous Chelsea

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Crystal Palace vs. Chelsea : 4 January 2025.

As the weekend drew near, and as I struggled to quell an irritating hacking cough, there were reports that snow was on its way to most parts of England. As if the thought of an away trip to Crystal Palace in the first week of January wasn’t bad enough, the added threat of snow just about topped it. More often than not, the weather is crap at Selhurst Park, and our usual viewing position is towards the front, in an area not covered too well by the stand roof.

The drive into Selhurst can be tiresome too, so as the short working week ended, I was hardly relishing this game. I just hoped that my cough didn’t develop further, and that there were no sore throats, headaches and shivers to come.

In light of my far from perfect state of health, I allowed myself a little lie in. I picked up PD at 8.30am and Parky at 9am for our “first footing” of the New Year. Thankfully, although far from perfect, I felt reasonably OK. As I headed south and then east, down towards the A303, there was a certain degree of peace and calm in the car, and I was more than happy that I was not barking out coughs every five minutes. The fields and hedgerows were dusted with frost and looking pretty photogenic, but I was happy to be in my self-contained bubble of warm air.

We stopped for a couple of breakfast rolls en route, and I was soon heading off the M3 and onto the M25.

The plan was to attempt a couple of pubs pre-match. At midday, I parked-up near “The Old Fox & Hounds” near West Croydon station, and we spent an hour or so with Clive who sits next to me in The Sleepy Hollow at Chelsea. The early afternoon’s entertainment involved Tottenham scoring an early goal against Newcastle United, but then managing to lose 2-1. Lovely.

My round consisted of “two pints of Carling and can you boil up some hot water for this Lemsip please, love?”

From here, I drove the two miles north to a pre-ordered parking space near Thornton Heath, and our route took us right past “The Pawson Arms” where we had enjoyed a pint before last-season’s game. I parked on Woodville Road and then met up with some pals at “The Prince George” which is just about the only away pub at Palace these days.

As I approached the packed boozer, I was a little taken aback by the sight before me. Not only did I not recognise a single Chelsea supporter on the pavement outside the pub, but there were impromptu fences set up outside, primarily to stop the clientele from encroaching onto the busy road, but it looked a brutal sight all the same. It brought back memories of fans being caged in at stadia back in the ‘eighties.

“Please do not feed the animals” came to mind.

Thankfully, near one of the doors I spotted a gaggle of faces I knew. Clive had disappeared but came back with a lager that I didn’t really want but supped all the same. Amongst familiar faces was a new one, Caroline from South Africa, her first-ever Chelsea away game, and I could hardly imagine how excited she must have felt. My first away game was at Eastville, the home of Bristol Rovers, in 1975. In Tim Rolls’ excellent new book “The First Time” I love that a supporter from mid-Wales was able to detail this match as his first game. It brought back a few memories from almost fifty years ago. Thank you, Mike Davies.

Talking of games long gone, my retrospective look at season 1984/85 – Chelsea’s first season of top-flight football since 1978/79 – has now reached the New Year.

On Tuesday 1 January 1985, Chelsea were at home against Nottingham Forest. On this occasion, I went up to London with Glenn via my father’s car. At such times, Dad was called into action, and I suspect that at the time I took it all for granted, as teenagers are wont to do. My parents would have gone off to partake in a mixture of sightseeing and shopping while we were at Chelsea, but the truth is that their whole day out was to enable me to get up to London for the football. Now, this fills me with a deep feeling of love for them both. My father would have been sixty-one at the time – not too older than me now – and although the roads were not so busy in the ‘eighties, it still represented a heavy day of driving. And of traipsing around London from shop to shop, from site to site, from sight to sight.

We left Frome at 9.15am and were parked up at Ealing Common, our usual destination to enable us to catch a train to Fulham Broadway, at 11.30am. There was a pre-match pie and chips on the North End Road and we were inside Stamford Bridge at 1.15pm.

The “Back Benchers” on New Year’s Day 1985?

Alan, Simon, Dave, Paul, Glenn, myself, Leggo and Mark.

Although we were by far the better team, this wasn’t a great game at all. We had to wait until the seventieth minute for cult hero Pat Nevin to provide the inspiration. He jinked past a defender, reached the goal-line and sent over an exquisite cross that cut out the ‘keeper Hans Segers. This allowed another crowd favourite Micky Thomas to dive-in with a header. I gave my man of the match award to Eddie Niedzwiecki. I was relatively pleased with the gate of 21,552. My diary reported that Forest only brought around three hundred. Stamford Bridge was a fearsome place for away fans in those days.

After the game, we walked right back up the North End Road, probably the first time for me, and at West Kensington station, Glenn nervously spotted one of the Chelsea fans who had attacked him after the United game a few days earlier. Back at Ealing Common, we had an hour to wait until my parents finally arrived back at 7pm.

On the way home, we stopped off for a drink at “The Wagon & Horses” at Beckhampton on the A4, and it fills me with joy that we still occasionally stop off here for a post-Chelsea drink forty years on. All of these little examples of drinks with my parents are gorgeous gifts from the past as I delve into my old diaries. If I am honest, I am still thrilled that I had enjoyed a pre-match beer in August 1984 against Sunderland with my father in that old West Stand bar, a moment previously long forgotten.

Our pre-Chelsea drink completed in 2025, Clive and I drifted away for the short march up Whitehorse Lane to the away turnstiles, the last of the group to depart. It was approaching 2.30pm.

Thankfully no rain, nor snow, but a long old line at the turnstiles. A couple of formidable faces from our violent past barged in and we all smirked.

“Nobody is going to stop those two buggers pushing in Clive.”

We were in, and we had thankfully missed all of the tedious pyrotechnics and associated gimmicks that accompanies top level football in the UK these days.

I had swapped tickets; Clive had mine in row eleven, I was further up in row eighteen just in front of the Gloucester lads and just behind Ali and Nick. This enabled me a slightly better view, I hoped. Well, I hoped it vain. It was still shite.

The game kicked off just as a loud and proud “One Man Went To Mow” boomed around the Arthur Wait Stand.

I caught up with the starting eleven.

Sanchez

Gusto – Acheampong – Colwill – Cucarella

Caicedo – Enzo

Neto – Palmer – Sancho

Jackson

Very soon into the match I heard a chant that is not often aired : “We are the famous, the famous Chelsea.”

It’s only us and “The Geordies” that sing that from memory. I have always liked it.

Playing in that off-white kit, Chelsea immediately took control of the ball and dominated the play. Not long into the contest, Josh Acheampong won the ball with a beautifully cushioned touch that set us off on a lovely move, coursing through the middle of the park with pace and verve. I hoped that it would set the tone for not only the youngster’s performance but for us as a team too.

I was already bobbing about in the Arthur Wait Stand like a fishing float, unable to see much of the play to my left, when the ball was pushed forward by Marc Cucarella towards Jadon Sancho. I just about saw the player shape to take the ball but then move away, but the detail was lost on me as I was attempting to watch the game through a hundred bodies. There was, however, an appreciative purr from the supporters – the taller ones at least – around me. I joined the dots and realised he had carried out a perfect “dummy.”

However, for the next few seconds, I simply had no idea what was going on.

Sancho could have stuck the ball up his shirt and ran with it between Palace defenders while sticking his tongue out and laughing uncontrollably, I would not have known.

However, I then saw the ball end up at the feet of Cole Palmer, who I saw advance and slot the ball in at the far post, past the despairing Dean Henderson.

GET IN.

The away section roared.

Palace 0 Chelsea 1.

I tried my best to capture one, just one, decent photo of the scorer’s familiar celebration, as the crowd roared around me.

“Palmer again, Palmer again, Palmer again ole, ole.”

There was some nice follow-up football from us as we dominated the play. There was a lovely piece of old-fashioned wing play from Pedro Neto deep into the Palace box, and shots from Nicolas Jackson and Enzo. The impressive Josh headed over at the far post from a corner. He looked calm and in control. An excellent first-half from him.

The home team had a little flurry, and then came again just after the half-hour when the mobile Jean-Philippe Mateta advanced but shot wide.

At times our approach play was a little slow – Levi Colwill, I am looking at you – but we continued to boss the game. There was a fantastic through-ball from Palmer that hit Jackson’s run to perfection. He strode on, confident, but the shot with the outside of his right foot blazed just past the left-hand post.

During the first half we were treated to a couple of unorthodox saves from Sanchez, just to keep us on our toes. At times the man looks like a defender asked to go in goal when all other options have run out, at other times he hints at being a top class ‘keeper.

A 2-0 lead at the break would have been totally deserved, but it was not to be.

At half-time, virtually all spectators at Selhurst Park ignored whatever nonsense the Palace cheerleaders were up to on the pitch.

Puke.

Soon into the second half, with the home team energised, there was a break down the Palace right. I barked out “too easy” a nano-second before a fellow spectator yelled out the exact same two words. We watched as a cross from Daniel Munoz found Ebere Eze but were relieved to see him prod the ball wide.

“Fackinell Chels.”

Just after, pure Sanchez. Another ridiculously unorthodox save, followed by ridiculous distribution and a – thankfully – spurned Palace chance.

The second half continued, and it was a far less convincing performance from Chelsea. I was hoping to whirl my camera into action to capture wave after wave of attacking verve in front of me, but it was all rather stop-start.

Neto was sent sprawling in the corner of the penalty box and we were all howling obscenities at the referee, the lino, the crowd, Stockley Park, the Premier League, UEFA, FIFA, the United Nations, NATO, but nobody was listening.

At 1-0, we were nervous and worried.

We tried to apply some worthy pressure.

On seventy minutes, two shots in quick succession. Firstly, there was a firm effort from Enzo. Then, after a pass from the always impressive Moises Caicedo, Jackson spurned a chance, the ball sliding wide after Henderson managed a touch.

Palace were in it though. There was a Mateta shot but Colwill blocked to deflect over.

On eighty-one minutes, Marc Guiu replaced Jackson and tried his best to run himself into the game.

Just after, the Chelsea supporters sang “is this a library?” to the home support and it made me realise how ridiculously quiet they had been. Apart from a volley of noise at the start, and maybe a little flag-waving from the centrally located Holmesdale Road Ultras, the home support had been almost non-existent.

Alas, we lost possession when Sanchez passed to Palmer, quite deep. To our horror, the ball was pushed to Eze who selflessly passed inside for Mateta to thump home.

Palace 1 Chelsea 1.

Now the buggers made some noise.

However, after only a few seconds, modern football took over, and it made a few of us feel quite nauseous. Rather than let the home support generate its own noise and let off steam in their own way, there was an obnoxious intrusion of the infantile “Boom Boom Boom Boom” that sounded like something that might be heard at a teenager’s birthday party or at a Butlin’s weekender. I gazed over at the terrace to my right and saw more than a few fully grown adults shaking away to this musical monstrosity.

Modern football. Simply fuck off.

Late on, Noni Madueke replaced Sancho, but it was all too little and all too late.

Our recent struggles continued; this was just our second point out of twelve.

We sloped back to the car, then headed north through the streets of south London, and inevitably found ourselves heading over Wandsworth Bridge and up to Fulham Broadway before heading out west on the A4 and M4.

Out towards Swindon, the snow finally came and the driving became slower, and more difficult. Despite speeding restrictions, cars sped past us, and if that isn’t a decent enough metaphor for us as we continue to slip down the league table, I had best give up.

Next up, an FA Cup tie against Morecambe at Stamford Bridge in 2025 and an FA Cup tie against Wigan Athletic in 1985.

See you later.

Tales From Three Little Points

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Crystal Palace vs. Chelsea : 12 February 2024.

As we travelled up to South London for the away game at Selhurst Park against Crystal Palace, we wondered if the performance of the season at Villa Park would turn out to be a solid stepping stone for the rest of the campaign. Or just a mad “one-off”.

Selhurst Park is a real ball-ache to reach. Driving up from the West of England, we are at the hands of the Sat Nav Gods. It’s basically a case of “top, middle or bottom.”

Top – up the M4 as far as the familiar turn off down the North End Road, past The Goose, then down to Wandsworth Bridge and then south-east in a straight line to Crystal Palace Football Club.

Middle – up the M3, around the M25, along the A3, almost as far as Kingston-upon-Thames, then through the B-roads of South-West London, nudging due east to Selhurst Park.

Bottom – up the M3 and then all of the way around the M25 to “six o’clock” before a dead straight route north up the A23 to the stadium.

On this particular afternoon, at just after 2pm in Melksham, the GPS went for the middle option. It suggested a journey of three hours. In reality, hit by traffic at a few key places, it became four hours. I had sorted out some parking at a private house just off Holmesdale Road, which runs north-south behind the home stand at Selhurst Park, and over the last few miles we tried to spot a pub to base ourselves for an hour. We had almost given up on finding anywhere, but I happened to spot a pub – “Pawson Arms” – a short drive from my parking space. There was even a free parking space right outside the pub.

Perfect.

It was a home pub – full of Palace fans, full of Palace photos and memorabilia on the walls – but we sidled in and stood next to the bar. It was busy but not ridiculously so. It was nigh-on perfect, as away pubs go. Andy – a friend of a friend – arrived at about 6.45pm and I passed over a spare ticket. A few minutes later, we hopped in the car and I drove to my JustPark location, just a few yards off Holmesdale Road. The Selhurst Park floodlights were easily visible. We began the march up the hill to the ground.

“Don’t remember it being this bloody steep last time.”

It took me a long time to visit Selhurst Park for the first time. My first visit was in August 1989 and a game against the then tenants Charlton Athletic, a match we lost 0-3. I watched from the middle of the Holmesdale Road terrace. My first game against Crystal Palace was in October 1991, a dull 0-0 draw, and the Chelsea support for that game was in a horrible corner section of the Arthur Wait Stand at the Holmesdale Road end. I include a few grainy photos.

We turned left at the top and began the slow walk down to the away turnstiles. I heard a young American lad, bedecked in a Palace scarf, ask where the fanzone was. I felt like saying to him “bollocks to the fanzone mate, get yourself down the “Pawson Arms” for an authentic pre-match experience”.

Three spares were handed over to other lads and at about 7.40pm, we made our way in.

I was down the front – row five – with Parky, John and Gary. Our usual match day companion Alan was convalescing after a health scare a few miles away in Anerley. We hope and pray that he can re-join us for a Chelsea game soon. Selhurst Park doesn’t change too much does it? However, for the first time I spotted a press box, illuminated, in the rear reaches of the old sand opposite, beneath the corrugated roof. This was my first evening game at Selhurst for ages and ages. I remember a FA Cup replay against Wimbledon in 1995, but nothing since.

More bloody flames. More bloody fireworks. Oh dear oh dear.

While the Holmesdale Ultras displayed a variety of stark messages for the club’s board to ignore and the general public to perhaps spot on the TV feed, the Chelsea away support was rocking.

Our team? Thiago Silva came in for the injured Benoit Badiashile. Raheem Sterling was again not chosen to start.

Petrovic

Gusto – Disasi – Silva – Chilwell

Caicedo – Enzo

Madueke – Gallagher– Jackson

Palmer

The home team were without Michael Olise and Eberechi Eze, their fleet-footed forwards. On the far side, Roy Hodgson looked frail while Ray Lewington lent on a post near the dugout.

Fine singing from the away section of the Arthur Wait Stand continued as the game began at 8pm. We dominated early possession. However, as the first-half continued, unfortunately our old habits resurfaced way too easily. We were passing the ball from side to side, but with no incisive passes to hurt the Crystal Palace defence. In fact, it was the home team who dominated the early chances, often breaking through our lines with ease. A shot from Jean-Philippe Mateta was saved by Djordje Petrovic.

It seems almost sacrilegious to say it, but Thiago Silva continued to slow things down. In his defence, there was little movement in front of him, but it was still so frustrating. It was if he was suffering from the football equivalent of “the yips” or the dart player’s worst nightmare of not being able to release the dart.

Elsewhere Cole Palmer was anonymous.

On the half-hour mark, a Palace player attempted a Paolo Di Canio scissor kick but the ball was not cleared. A calamitous scene ensued. Moises Caicedo and Noni Madueke colluded to get in each other’s way.

“Get rid! Get rid!”

The ball was picked up by Jefferson Lerma, who dropped his shoulder and curled a magnificent effort wide of Petrovic but not wide of the goal.

Crystal Palace 1 Chelsea 0.

“Glad All Over” rang out.

Bollocks.

As the rest of the dour first-half continued, we became aware that we had not engineered a single effort on the Crystal Palace goal. So, after all, maybe Villa Park was indeed a mad “one-off” and this was the real Chelsea. We tended to attack down the right where there was an awkward alliance between Malo Gusto and Madueke. Their fine performances the previous Wednesday were not able to be repeated. On the left, Ben Chilwell and Nicolas Jackson struggled. The whole team struggled.

On forty minutes, Moises Caicedo lost possession and an almighty chase took place. Thankfully, a typically well-timed sliding tackle by Silva saved the day.

On forty-five minutes, a meek shot from Conor Gallagher was scuffed wide of the far post; our first shot of the game. Bloody hell.

At the break, Mauricio Pochettino replaced Madueke with Christopher Nkunku.

Nkunku was stood at the centre-circle, awaiting the restart. But, all of a sudden, several players were seen knocking footballs around between them. What was going on? Was this post-modern football here?

“Don’t bother with the game, nor scoring, just pass the ball to each other. Just enjoy yourself. You will still get paid.”

We tried to work out why there was a delay. We then realised that the football match was missing a key ingredient; a referee.

What could the matter be? Was the referee was stuck in the lavatory? Did nobody know he was there?

In an odd attempt at humour, the Palace PA played “Three Little Birds” by Bob Marley.

“Don’t worry about a thing ‘cus every little thing is gonna be alright!”

I wondered if this was, or had been, a Palace song. It certainly was a Chelsea song. It first appeared way back in 2010 and I specifically hearing it first during a 5-0 win at Fratton Park.

The Chelsea fans soon latched onto it.

“Don’t worry about a thing ‘cus every little thing is gonna be alright! CHELSEA!”

“Don’t worry about a thing ‘cus every little thing is gonna be alright! CHELSEA!”

“Don’t worry about a thing ‘cus every little thing is gonna be alright! CHELSEA!”

After an age, the ref Michael Oliver appeared. The game restarted.

And how.

After just two minutes of the second-half, with “Three Little Birds” still bouncing around the Arthur Wait, a fine ball from the hot and cold Caicedo found Gusto on the right. His pull-back to Gallagher was cleanly despatched despite the ball bouncing high as it approached him.

Screams. Shouting. Mayhem. The players raced towards us. I was pushed, lost my footing, and almost lost my glasses. Photos were an impossibility until everything had died down.

Crystal Palace 1 Chelsea 1.

It seemed as if the momentum had switched. We had witnessed a ridiculous few minutes when a song had rejuvenated the support and – possibly, probably – had sparked life into the team.

I wondered if the Palace DJ would be awarded an assist for the equaliser.

The support roared on. With Nkunku in the middle, we caught a lot of Palmer as he drifted right. Chelsea dominated the play, with much of the action right in front of us. On a few occasions, I held my camera ready for Gusto or Palmer or Gallagher to break free.

Palmer went close.

At the other end, Silva heroically blocked a shot from Matheus Franca but stayed down. He was replaced by Levi Colwill.

An hour had passed.

Efforets from Chilwell and Jackson went close.

At the other end, a rare Palace break and a fine save by Petrovic from Franca.

On seventy-eight minutes, Raheem Sterling replaced Jackson.

On eighty-three minutes, Alfie Gilchrist replaced Gusto.

A chance for Sterling but he needed extra touches and the chance went begging. A Disasi header was parried by the Palace ‘keeper Dean Henderson.

Time was passing.

We entered injury time.

John mentioned that the last two visits to Selhurst Park had resulted in ridiculously late winners; Hakim Ziyech in February 2022 and Conor Gallagher in October 2022.

Well…

On ninety-one minutes, a fine break. Sterling found himself in space and passed to Palmer. I clicked. The photo shows Gallagher and Enzo racing through in support. Palmer advanced and adeptly slid the ball to Gallagher. The finish was exquisite, a slide-rule pass into the goal. It showed Jimmy Greaves levels of calm.

Pandemonium in South London.

Fackinell.

The players raced towards us all again.

Football – I fucking love you.

Crystal Palace 1 Chelsea 2.

John and his late winners.

It got better.

Two minutes later, we broke from our own box, the ball steered out to Palmer once more. He raced away, Nkunku occupied the thoughts of a key defender, and the ball was perfectly pushed into Enzo. He steadied himself, took a moment, then clipped the ball high into the net. I snapped that goal but not the ensuing madness in front of us once again.

Crystal Palace 1 Chelsea 3.

Game over.

Phew.

The away section was on fire by now, and the supporters were a heady mixture of joy and disbelief. We sauntered out, regrouped and walked up and then down the hills of Selhurst to get to our car.

The getaway was ridiculously quick and the Sat Nav chose the top route to head back. It felt odd driving within half-a-mile of Stamford Bridge on the way home.

It had been another long day. I returned home at 1.40am.

Next up, yet another away game, the third in a row.

Manchester City await.

See you there.

1991

2010

In the last few minutes of the game, my ears registered a new song emanating from the rowdy fans to my right. It didn’t take long to work out that it was a few lines from a Bob Marley song. More and more Chelsea joined in as our brains deciphered it. It had been an easy night, so we needn’t get carried away, but the song provided a nice uplift…a positive vibe for once.

“Don’t worry – CLAP CLAP – about a thing…CLAP CLAP CLAP – ‘cus every little thing – CLAP CLAP – is gonna be alright.”

2024

Tales From A Long Day At The Start Of A Long Month

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Crystal Palace vs. Chelsea : 1 October 2022.

My alarm sounded at 6.45am.

Good morning universe.

Here I was, here we were, back in action after an enforced lay-off. Our last game was the home match with Salzburg some seventeen days ago. Yet in this new month of October we faced nine games in just twenty-nine days. The plan will be to try and attend all of them. We were to begin this manic month with a trip to Selhurst Park for a game with Crystal Palace.

My weekend had begun with yet another concert – my sixth in a summer and autumn of music – that involved an act that was around in 1982. On Friday, I saw Toyah perform at the local venue in Frome.

She had opened the set with “Good Morning Universe” and it was stuck in my mind as I drove home after the concert. And it evidently remained in my ahead until the next morning too.

Toyah was a huge name in the UK music scene from 1980 to 1982, but her stardom soon drifted. I had seen her perform to a pretty small crowd in Frome back in 2015, but her popular “Sunday Lunch” videos with husband Robert Fripp, since lockdown in 2020, have put her back into the public eye once again. For someone who is sixty-four, her show was full of energy. I enjoyed it. The venue was packed.

There was always a slight resemblance between Toyah and my first-ever girlfriend from the summer of 1982. Although I did not dwell too much on it at the time, it later dawned on me that Toyah had a lisp, and that my girlfriend had the slightest of lisps too. I was always so delighted that Toyah’s determination to overcome a speech impediment allowed her to fulfil her career path. Forty years on, my own speech impediment still rears its very ugly head at unsuspecting moments and I hate it now as I fucking hated it then.

As I watched the singer on stage in Frome, my mind kept catapulting me back to summer and early autumn some four decades ago.

Here comes another seamless slide into 1982/83.

My reflective look at “the worst season of them all” continues with two Second Division games from forty years ago.

On Saturday 18 September, Chelsea played Oldham Athletic at Stamford Bridge. This game was notable as marking the debut of firebrand striker David Speedie who we had acquired from Barnsley for £80,000 in the previous May. I honestly cannot remember why his first start was delayed. The new boy got off to a flier, scoring two with a goal in each half. The attendance was 10,263. I remember being disappointed with this gate but philosophical too. In those days, such a gate was often reached by a few of the smaller clubs in the then First Division. My diary noted that I was “pleased that we thrashed Oldham 2-0” and I doubt that I was being ironic. A win, any win, in those forlorn days was definitely a thrashing. Trust me.

A week later, Chelsea travelled up to Hillsborough to play Sheffield Wednesday, who were always one of the bigger and more-fancied sides in the division at that time. The team remained unchanged from the Oldham game. The youngster Steve Francis in goal. A back four of Micky Nutton, Gary Chivers, Micky Droy and Chris Hutchings. A midfield of Mike Fillery, John Bumstead, Tony McAndrew and Paul Canoville. The striking partnership of Colin Lee and David Speedie upfront. The new season’s starting striker Pop Robson was already – ominously – relegated to a substitute role. A pretty decent attendance of 18,833 assembled for this game. Sadly, the home team went ahead after just twelve minutes and scored two more goals in the second period before two late Chelsea strikes from Fillery and Lee probably gave the result a much closer ending than it deserved.

I can confirm that I was at home that afternoon, listening to the score updates on Radio Two, because I can remember what was happening elsewhere at other games in England on that particular afternoon. It turned out to be a Saturday for the record books. As always, the striking music that heralded “Sports Report” at five o’clock, followed by the measured tones of James Alexander Gordon as he read out the day’s results, was the highlight of the afternoon. The Scot’s raising or falling intonation would allow the listener to know the result even before the scores were completed. He was a master of his craft.

“Sheffield Wednesday – rising – three, Chelsea – falling – OH SHIT WE’VE LOST – two.”

On this particular day, throughout the Football League, it was raining goals. We have not witnessed the like of it in English football ever since. The First Division led the way. In its eleven games, a mammoth fifty goals were scored.

Aston Villa 2 Swansea City 0

Brighton 1 Birmingham City 0

Coventry 4 Everton 2

Liverpool 5 Southampton 0

Manchester United 0 Arsenal 0

Norwich City 1 West Brom 3

Notts County 0 Ipswich Town 6

Stoke City 4 Luton Town 4

Tottenham 4 Nottingham Forest 1

Watford 8 Sunderland 0

West Ham 4 Manchester City 1

Meanwhile, in Division Three, Doncaster Rovers walloped Reading 7-5 at home. However, one Reading player scored four and still ended up on the losing team. His name? Kerry Dixon.

Chelsea’s start to the new campaign had been fair-to-middling. Nothing more. After seven league games, we had won two, drawn three and lost two. It was hardly inspiring stuff from a team that had finished in twelfth position the previous season. But they were my team, my club, and I loved them dearly. On the near horizon was a trip to Stamford Bridge to see Chelsea play Leeds United and, even forty years later, the thrill of the anticipation of that match still resonates.

As I have often documented, a trip to Crystal Palace’s stadium, deep in the hinterlands of South London, is always a troublesome one. I had been monitoring the best way in for a few days and all of the technical aids at my disposal were adamant that after collecting PD and Glenn, and finally, Lordy, the quickest route would be along the M4. So, this was what I did. Lordy was picked-up at 8.30am, but on nearing Swindon, our world caved in. There was a diversion ahead and so I was forced first south and then north of the motorway along smaller roads. It probably cost us an hour.

At Reading Services, I reset my sat-nav and it was sending me right into the heart of London rather than around the M25.

I drove on.

The route in was familiar. It took me along the A4, up to the junction with the North End Road, past those familiar Chelsea match day pubs. It even took me along Lillee Road, only a few yards from where I normally park for home games. But then, with the realisation that the national train strike had forced thousands onto the road network, our plans were hit hard again. Our slow drive through Fulham took the best part of an hour. We were not aided by some very slow changing temporary traffic lights just before Wandsworth Bridge. Eventually, around five-and-a-half bastard hours after leaving sleepy Somerset, we were parked up at my JustPark spot on Woodville Road with the massive TV pylon that dominates that hilly part of South London clearly visible yet still over two miles away. This huge structure was the tallest in London until as recently as 1990. We had given up on getting a drink before the game, but as we headed towards the already overflowing “Prince George”, we spotted a few friends drinking on the pavement outside a small jerk chicken café. We crossed the road to join them.

Rachel from Devon and Donna from Somerset were there. Rob from South West London was there, but without his mate Bob who was in Somerset watching his local team Waltham & Hersham in the FA Cup against Taunton Town. He has evidently reached that key stage – “local non-league team over Chelsea” – before me but I know that time will come for me too.

Drinks were guzzled. A blue flare was let off on the pavement outside the pub opposite. PD and Parky shot off to collect a ticket. Glenn and I set off just before 2.30pm to sort out tickets too.

By 2.40pm, I was in the queue for the Arthur Wait.

“Makes a bloody change to get to a game at Selhurst Park and it’s not pissing with rain.”

There was the usual bag check. While I waited in line, I spotted a listing of “prohibited items” on a poster next to the turnstile. Featured was an image of a camera with a “detachable lens” and the cold sweats came on. I had memories of the last encounter with Crystal Palace, at Wembley, and we all know how that ended. Thankfully, my camera was allowed in.

I shuffled through the packed concourse.

Selhurst Park. If it didn’t exist, you’d have to invent it.

However, for all of its cramped inefficiencies, people would soon lament its passing should it ever be replaced by a single-tiered stadium – “soul-less bowl” is the go-to phrase, eh? – either on the same site or elsewhere.

Each stand is different. Opposite our viewing area is the main stand, an Archibald Leitch original, eerily similar to the Johnny Haynes Stand at Fulham, and thus, the old East Stand at Stamford Bridge. To the right, the slight tier of seats of the Whitehorse Lane Stand, with ugly executive boxes above. In the corner between the two stands is the platform where Bex and his cohorts appeared in the original “The Firm” film from 1989. To the left, the steep two-tiered Holmesdale Road Stand, with its curved roof, a throwback to the Edwardian era but the newest of all the current stands. The Arthur Wait Stand was once all standing, and it remains a dark and brooding beast of a stand. The three thousand Chelsea fans, as always, were to be based here, though this hasn’t always been the case. The sightlines aren’t great. In fact, with my position in row eight, down low, I soon decided early on to try not to snap too many photos since my view of the game would be so poor.

A few friends spoke of similarly difficult journeys to the stadium. As kick-off approached, I spotted many clusters of empty seats in the home stands. Palace surely have a more local fan base than us, but I suppose the train strike must have had an adverse effect on numbers. It is a pet peeve that not all attendances are published either online or in the Sunday ‘papers these days. It has all changed after all of those games without fans in the nightmarish seasons of 2019/20 and 2020/21. Not even Chelsea’s home programme includes attendance figures anymore. So, maybe we’ll not know the official attendance for a while, anyway.

This annoys the fuck out of me.

My spreadsheet has half-empty columns.

And what is a world with half-empty columns, eh?

Kick-off approached. The teams entered from that far corner. It suddenly dawned on me that we would be wearing that God-awful away strip. Overhead, there were clouds but there was no hint of rain. I was glad that a rain jacket was left back in the car. I was wearing a subtle-coloured Marc O’Polo sweatshirt; an homage to one I that bought in 1986 or so when that particular brand was much-loved by football fanciers at the time. If the 1986 version was apple green, this one was more mint.

There was a minute of silence in remembrance of Queen Elizabeth II and this was followed by a hearty rendition of “God Save The King.”

This, of course, was Graham Potter’s first league game in charge.

In a “Costa Coffee” on the walk to the stadium, I had briefly spoken to fellow-fan Andy about the switch.

“Is Potter an upgrade on Tuchel?”

I just shrugged my shoulders, unsure.

The game kicked-off and it was clear that we were playing four at the back.

Kepa

James – Fofana – Silva – Chilwell

Jorginho – Kovacic

Then God knows what…

Sterling – Havertz – Aubameyang – Mount

From my position down low, it wasn’t clear.

The game began and we dominated the first – er – seven, count’em, minutes. Thiago Silva was our main pass master, touching the ball often, and looking to play balls in to others. However, the home team had hardly touched the bloody ball when Wesley Fofana gave up possession too easily and the ball quickly found Jordan Ayew. I watched in horror as his perfectly whipped-in cross dropped perfectly at the foot of Odsonne Edouard and Kepa was beaten. Sadly, I caught this goal on camera, but thankfully the image is too blurred for my stringent quality assurance department to allow it to be shared.

It was a killer cross. But where was our defence? Answers on a postcard.

Michael Olise impressed me with his direct play in front of me, but it was Eberechi Ebe who then forced Kepa into action.

With a quarter of an hour gone, we had no attempts on target. Then, an easy header looped up easily into Vicente Guaita’s reach.

Gal was getting annoyed with Aubameyang, though to be fair, the striker had not received much service. It’s difficult when players from rivals find themselves at Stamford Bridge. I know full well that I am going to find it hard to warm to Aubameyang. Is it irrational? Who knows? Gal, from his words – that were certainly annoying the bloke behind me – it will be longer for him to approve of the former Arsenal striker.

Put it this way, at this moment in time, Gal rates Mark Falco more than Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang.

There was a header from Mason Mount that flashed wide of the near post.

Halfway through the first period, I leant forward to chat to Calvin : “this is all a bit boring mate.”

Sterling hit the base of a post but I think the move was offside anyway, as was another that quickly followed.

This was hardly inspiring stuff.

The sun was out by now and it was surprisingly hot on this October afternoon.

The central section of around four hundred of their “ultras” – yeah, I know – were now jumping up and down to a chant that was so loud that I couldn’t hear it.

They looked like they were doing some sort of silent flash mob thing.

Bless’em.

(I know they are doing their best to get the atmosphere going, God knows we need it in this bloody country, and they are easy targets…but why just can’t people get behind their teams without this fucking contrived nonsense?)

In their defence, they did produce a few banners in the first-half about the lack of fan involvement in our national game but I am not sure who this was aimed at.

I hope there are similar banners throughout Europe as we rush headlong into the monster of the Qatar World Cup.

There next followed some confusion and more than a little worry. One on one, Silva appeared to hold back Ayew. The defender was booked. VAR then signalled a possible red card. Having not seen the apparent swipe of the ball by Silva’s hand, this was all a bit difficult to work out. Anyway, panic over, no red card.

“Think we got away with that” I said to John, two seats along.

With around ten minutes of the first half remaining, a fine move brought us some cheer. A diagonal found the leap from Silva – strangely well-advanced – and his header found Aubameyang. His quick turn, a swivel, and a shot was exquisite.

GET IN.

The bloke behind might well have ruffled Gal’s hair.

I am sure it wasn’t, but it felt like Aubameyang’s first touch.

It certainly seemed to me that it was an unlikely goal. Unsuspected. Out of the, er, blue.

Chelsea roared : “How shit must you be? Our number nine scored.”

In the closing moments of the half, a back-pass to Gaita was punished with a direct free-kick inside the box. More anguish from the under-performing Mount as his shot cleared the near post. There had been a lovely loose run from Havertz, drifting with ease, past several defenders and I was prepared to celebrate one of the great goals but the shot drifted wide of the far post.

There was time for a quick photo-call with Lordy at half-time.

Soon into the second-half, Potter replaced Jorginho with Ruben Loftus-Cheek.

His slow trudge across the pitch suggested to me – maybe it was just me, I am sure it was – that he realised that he had eventually been found out.

We had a couple of half-chances as the game continued; Chilwell over, a shot blocked from Havertz. Sterling was as lively as anyone, but our link-up play was a little too laboured for my liking, and the away crowd was getting a little frustrated.

As for the defenders, James was the star. I hardly noticed Wilfred Zaha at all.

An upturn in our form was mirrored in the Arthur Wait.

“On when the blues go steaming in, oh when the blues go steaming in, I want to be in that number, oh when the blues go steaming in.”

“Oh when the blues.”

“Oh when the blues.”

“Go steaming in.”

“Go steaming in.”

“I want to be in that number, oh when the blues go steaming in.”

“Oh when the blues.”

“Oh when the blues.”

“Go steaming in.”

“Go steaming in.”

“I want to be in that number, oh when the blues go steaming in.”

It was deafening. Top work everyone.

This was followed by an equally loud “Ten men went to mow.”

Lovely stuff.

With twenty minutes, two superb saves from Kepa, foiling Zaha on both occasions.

On seventy-six minutes, a double switch.

Conor Gallagher for Havertz.

Armando Broja for Aubameyang.

The play creaked along.

A look towards Alan.

“Shite, mate.”

He nodded.

I spent some moments preparing an epitaph to post on “Facebook” at the final whistle.

On eight-five minutes, a final substitution.

Christian Pulisic for the poor Mount.

The epitaph was nearing completion.

“That was a hard watch. Milan must be quaking in their boots. At least Frome Town won.”

Just at that moment, maybe two seconds later, a sideways push of the ball from Pulisic to Gallagher.

A touch, a shot.

I watched the ball fly into the goal despite what looked like a valiant attempt by Guaita to claw it over. His fingertips could not deny us a goal.

I roared.

The away end roared.

Fackinell.

Alan : “they’ll have to come at us now.”

Chris : “come on my little diamonds.”

For the second time in eight months, a last minute goal at Selhurst Park had sent us into a frenzy.

At the final whistle, Gal and his nemesis – at it like hammer and tongs in that feisty encounter in the first-half – embraced with smiles.

I thought to myself : “get a room, lads.”

This was a fortuitous win, no doubt. I am not going to enthuse too much about it. I have to say that I am particularly worried about our two games against Milan over the next week or so, but I am filled with a huge sense of anticipation too.

Maybe not as much as the Leeds game in 1982 but you catch my drift I am sure.

In reality, more than a few friends have admitted that if we do drop into the Europa League, at least we might get some good trips out of it.

“The final is in Budapest” Calvin had reminded me.

But it’s just the fear of getting humiliated against Milan that I fear most. Nobody wants that. They should be two huge games. I honestly can’t wait.

With traffic locked, we popped into a cheap and cheerful “Chicken Cottage” – they evidently love their chicken in around Selhurst Park – to let the flow ease up a little and eventually left Thornton Heath at 6.15pm. Via another diversion on the A303, I eventually reached home four hours later.

I had picked PD up at 8am. I had dropped him off at 10pm.

Just in time for “Match of the Day.”

Just right.

Next up, one of the Italian greats.

Chelsea versus Milan at Stamford Bridge.

I’m off to practice some Italian swear words.

See you on Wednesday evening.

Postscript :

The BBC recently took the shocking decision to drop the reading out of all of the classified football scores on Radio Five Live at five ‘clock every Saturday.

Words fail me.

Tales From The Champions Of The World

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Crystal Palace vs. Chelsea : 19 February 2022.

PD and I returned from Abu Dhabi on the Monday. I was back in work – dreading it – on the Tuesday but the week went pretty well. However, England was ravaged by Storm Eunice on Friday. It meant that our trip up to London for our game at Selhurst Park took ages; it seemed that all of the traffic that had been stalled on the Friday was now let loose. The flow was especially grim on sections of the M3 and parts of our trek across west London to south London.

I had picked PD up at 8am and it took me until 12.30pm to eventually reach a pub that was a stone’s throw from Crystal Palace’s home ground. That schlep across London took an hour. And throughout it we were on the lookout for a pub for a couple of drinks before the afternoon’s entertainment. Our route took us past Hampton to Kingston and on to New Maldon, Merton, Morden, Mitcham and eventually Norbury, home of our match-day mate Gary. Could we find a suitable pub? Not one that was open, and had suitable parking. We were about to give up when I spotted a Wetherspoon’s – never my first choice of hostelry, but needs must – and we darted inside just as the rain increased in strength. Some “Thatcher’s” for PD and Parky. Some “Pepsi Max” for me. We could relax a little. Roy – last seen in Abu Dhabi – came in and slotted in next to us.

There was, of course, plenty of chit-chat regarding our time away in the sun the previous week.

A few “Abu Dhabi add-ons” to mention.

Every Chelsea fan had behaved themselves. It’s not always the case on foreign shores. In fact, the only time that I personally saw any silliness – ironically – involved the replica-kitted “scarfers” of the Dubai Supporters Club at the end of the game. Thiago Silva had trotted over to the Chelsea corner and threw his shirt into their section. There ensued an almighty ruckus as fans fought for the royal blue jersey. I am sure I saw at least once punch being thrown.

Ah, the Chelsea corner. After the game, this was where the Chelsea players, quite rightly, celebrated with the fans. It was where 80% of the Chelsea support was positioned. But we noticed that Romelu Lukaku, scorer of two goals in Abu Dhabi remember, did not join in. Instead, he chatted quietly to members of the coaching staff a good thirty yards away. I found that odd. Really odd.

One more story and one little moment of last minute terror. Foxy, PD and I were up at 3am to catch a 4am cab over to the airport in readiness for our 7am and 7.30am flights home. At the check-in desk, the Etihad official caused PD and I a great deal of stress when he claimed that we were required to show a negative PCR test result from within forty-eight hours of the flight. Our tests had taken place on Friday morning, seventy-two hours earlier, as per Etihad’s ruling. There was now no requirement for a negative test travelling back to the UK; these regulations had changed on the Friday. You can imagine what was going through my mind. Thankfully, after he had a word with a colleague, he was able to let us on the flight. Our guess was that this was his first shift since the change in the ruling.

I smiled as he handed back our passports and gave us our boarding passes.

In my head : “you prick.”

Thankfully, the trip to Selhurst Park did not involve passport checks, PCR tests nor locator forms. After our little moment of calm in the pub, I drove the mile or so to my pre-paid parking spot outside a house on Bensham Manor Road. I had soon spotted the huge Crystal Palace TV transmitter up on the hill that overlooks the entire area and it brought back bad memories of my first-ever visit to Selhurst Park in 1989; attempting to go top of the table in late August, we were stuffed 0-3 by Charlton Athletic. During that game, from the terraced Holmesdale Road end, I kept looking up at that TV mast for some reason. It was something that I had never seen on the TV as it was on the wrong side to the camera position.

It was 2.15pm. Sadly, the rain continued on the walk to the away turnstiles. We sorted out a spare ticket for Orlin the Bulgarian in the wind and the rain. There were a few comments with a couple of lads who had been on our flights to and from Abu Dhabi.

“Bloody hell, a week ago the weather was a bit different, Chris.”

At last I was looking forward to being able to join in with the “We’ve won it all” chant, but – how typical – the Chelsea support had sprung a surprise on me. In the queue to get in, and then throughout the resulting damp afternoon, a new song dominated.

“Champions of the World, of the Word, Champions of the World.”

…to the tune of the KC and the Sunshine Band’s 1983 hit “Michael Essien.”

It took ages to get into the cramped away end. I got wetter and wetter. There was just time for a last-minute visit to the league’s worst-ever gents’ – “shallow end or deep end?” – and we found our seats in row seven with about ten minutes to go.

I had only been stood at my seat for a minute when a horrendous gust of wind blew the rain in at us and I had to turn my back to the pitch to shelter myself.

Bloody hell. From Arabian sun to London storms. Welcome home.

This was the second game of a run of five games that placed Chelsea in five different competitions. This has to be a first, right?

Palmeiras : World Club Cup

Crystal Palace : Premier League

Lille : Champions League

Liverpool : League Cup

Luton Town : FA Cup

Alongside me were Gary and Alan. Gary lives two miles to the west of Selhurst Park. Alan lives two miles to the east. This was very much their local game.

I soon spotted that the much-maligned Palace “ultras” had been re-positioned in a central area in the lower tier of the home end to my left under the banner “Holmesdale Fanatics”; their little group could be easily spotted, dressed in black. To be frank, I heard bugger all from them all game.

That ship has sailed.

“Probably back to Poland” added Gary.

Crystal Palace were in their blue and red diagonal stripes. Chelsea in yellow and black.

The team?

Mendy

Christensen – Silva – Rudiger – Sarr

Jorginho – Kante

Ziyech – Pulisic – Havertz

Lukaku

Or something like that. Being so low down, discerning formations and patterns was almost impossible. With everyone stood, the far corner of the Holmesdale Road end was completely out of sight. When the ball disappeared into that area, I just hoped that Herr Havertz was doing OK. Years ago, watching football was always like this. Some games at Old Trafford, Goodison and Tottenham only offered up around 75% of the pitch, if that.

It was a full house in South London. The game began and the home team looked the brighter with Wilfred Zaha looking lively as he attacked from the inside-left channel. A shot from Michael Olise was sent low across our goal and thankfully the ball was wide of the far post. Palace were, of course, without Conor Gallagher, and it was just as well. The lad has played so well for them this season.

I hope that we pull back Gallagher, Billy Gilmour and Armando Broja for next season. It will be like three new signings. I look forward to that day.

I was on tip-toes, my neck straining every time we attacked the home end. A shot from Christian Pulisic didn’t trouble the Palace ‘keeper Vicente Guaita. The first-half began to develop an oh-so familiar pattern; possession-based football, over-passing, setting up to go back to go forward. There was no cut and thrust. Yet as I have said so often, with space in the final third almost non-existent, stretching Palace out was always going to be tough. On more than one occasion, a lofted ball towards Lukaku in the air was meet and drink to the Palace defence. In truth, Lukaku did not get close to anything.

At a ground that is rather infamous in our past – Paul Canoville, Easter Monday 1982 – at least there were no racist comments aimed at our under-performing striker. The worst that I heard all afternoon was Lukaku being called “Sack of Spuds” by Pink Shirt Frank behind me.

To say we laboured in that first-half would be an understatement.

But the Chelsea support, with a rich variety of songs, were magnificent.

At last I sang along :

“We’ve won it all. We’ve won it all. We’ve won it all, we’ve won it all, we’ve won it all.”

Fackinell.

The highlight of the first forty-five minutes was that pile driver from – what? – thirty-five yards from Antonio Rudiger. What a strike. And what a save, too, from the Palace ‘keeper, pushing the ball out of the top left corner at the very last minute. This positive play was then matched by a lovely through-ball from Malang Sarr, surprising everyone, not least the flat-footed Palace defenders, that reached N’Golo Kante. However, his shot was too close to Guaita.

A shot from an angle from Lukaku was well-saved, but the out-of-touch Belgian was offside anyway.

And that was about it really.

Two memorable moments of play from Chelsea in forty-five minutes.

Champions of the World?

We looked like we would struggle to be the champions of Fulham at this rate.

At least with Edouard Mendy close by, we could serenade him with a song that has not been aired for a while due to his winning performance in the Africa Cup of Nations.

“Tsamina mina, eh, eh.

Edouard Edouard Mendy.

Tsamina mina zangalewa.

He comes from Senegal.”

This was followed by an “Eddie, Eddie – give us a wave” – shades of 1983/84 – and he duly reciprocated. Bless him.

Just before the break, the close-at-hand referee David Coote – sadly, he was not bald – waved away our justified claims for a foul on Pulisic. The ball broke and the home team stormed up field. Thankfully, Zaha was wasteful, drilling a low shot wide.

The linesman in front of us, who had been slow to keep up with play all through the half, was the nearest man in black and so he took the brunt of our anger.

“Linesman, you’re a James Blunt, linesman, linesman you’re a James Hunt.”

As he raced away, he waved his left hand as if to say “keep going, keep going.”

Pink Shirt Frank uttered “well, that’s us fucked in the second-half then.”

Yep. No decisions for us. Sigh.

The mood was pretty sombre at the break. Tons of possession. Not many shots that troubled anyone apart from the spectators. As per fucking normal.

A strange substitution for Palace at the break; Guaita was replaced by Jack Butland who used to be a footballer.

It was a tiresome start to the second-period and we often gave the ball away cheaply. It is worth noting that Lukaku was offering little. I spotted one moment, the ball on the half-way line maybe, Chelsea probing away, and Lukaku in among some defenders. What annoyed me that not only was he static, he was visibly resting on his standing leg, all his weight on his left foot. Surely an attacker, a central striker, needs to be on his toes at all times. If not twisting a marker out of position – clearly not Lukaku’s forte – then he should be at least ready to be alert and be “on his toes” in case, say, a deflected ball puts the ball his way. To say that Lukaku looked disinterested would be a mismanagement of the English language.

Fackinell.

Gary was more direct.

“Seen more movement in my bowels.”

The second-half rumbled on. Above, at least the rain had stopped and the sky was lighter. With fifteen minutes to go, Thomas Tuchel went for drastic change.

Marcos Alonso for Sarr.

Ruben Loftus-Cheek for Jorginho.

Mateo Kovacic for Kante.

Kovacic immediately set a new tempo. He launched himself at various Palace midfielders and won a few challenges. If he was wearing long sleeves, no doubt he would have rolled them up.

There was a new vibrancy, at last. A ball was played through to Lukaku, on the last man. His shot was parried by Buckland and Ziyech tapped in the rebound.

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSS!

I fell over myself, the fans around me were jostling for space as the scorer raced towards us, mayhem in the Arthur Waite. A blue flare landed at Ziyech’s feet.

GET IN.

Then. Whadya know. VAR. No goal.

The pressure continued. Havertz and a header.

The clock ticked away.

Eighty-nine minutes.

Marcos Alonso had the ball at his feet away on the far touchline, in front of the original Archibald Leitch Stand that closely resembles our old East Stand and which is featured on the front of “Hoolifan” from a few years back. He sent over a high and mighty cross and it landed past the back post. Or rather, it didn’t land at all. It met Ziyech’s left foot; as beautiful and calm a finish that anyone is likely to see. The ball was pushed through Butland’s legs and my camera told the story.

GET IN YOU FUCKER.

This time, no offside, no flag from the linesman, nothing but pure celebration.

Oh football I love you.

More pandemonium in the Arthur Waite. I tried to stand on the seat in front to get some photos. I was elbowed in the face. Parky was grabbing hold of me to stop me from falling.

Roars.

Fists punching.

Chelsea going mad.

Bliss.

…”of the world, Champions of the World.”

Tales From Our National Game

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Crystal Palace vs. Chelsea : 30 December 2018.

So, the last game of 2018. Whereas some teams were given a normal Saturday match, Chelsea Football Club ended the calendar year with a game on the Sunday at South London rivals – kind of – Crystal Palace. The game seemed typically out of sync at this odd time of year where nobody really knows what day it is, what to do, nor what day is coming up next. To add to the discombobulation, our game was kicking-off at midday. So, this was another early start for the Fun Boy Four. I set my alarm for 5.30am and was up not long after. I was on driving duties again, but I did not mind one iota. By 7.30am, the fellow Chuckle Brothers were collected and we were soon tucking into a McBreakfast at Melksham.

“Not very busy is it?”

“Not bloody surprising, who else is up at 7.45am on a Sunday?”

Saturday had been a big day football-wise. While I was watching my local team Frome Town capitulate to yet another league defeat at home to Tiverton Town, I was overjoyed to hear that Tottenham had surprisingly dropped points to Wolves at Wembley. Later that evening, we hoped that Arsenal could dent Liverpool’s charge to their first league title since 1990, but an early Arsenal lead was soon overtaken. On Saturday evening, myself and many looked at the bleakest of scenarios. With Manchester City suffering a recent tumble at Leicester, the thoughts of either Liverpool or Tottenham winning the league made many of us shiver.

For Chelsea fans like me, this is a “no-win” scenario. If pushed, and as much as it hurts, I would pick Liverpool over Tottenham. But – grasping at long straws – there is still the prospect of Manchester City, 2014 style, overhauling them both. Chelsea will not win the league this season; like many others, I am hoping that City find some form to pip the other two – hideous – contenders, preferably on the last day and with as much pain to both as possible.

Getting to Selhurst Park in South London from our base in the South-West of England is not the easiest of journeys. From my home, I headed east, then north, then east, then south-east, then north-east, then south-east, then south. At 10.30am, after a journey of three-and-a-half hours, I was parked on a pre-paid driveway within sight of the oddly-shaped barrelled roof of the Holmesdale Road stand, a mere ten-minute walk away. The first friend of many who we met throughout the day – Welsh Kev – caught up with us as we slogged up the hill past the main stand and the busy intersection at the top. The immediate area around Selhurst Park is surprisingly hilly. On this Sunday morning, there were no options to drink in local hostelries. The other three headed inside for a drink while I took a few photographs of a typical pre-match. The floodlights were on at 11am and the air – although mild – was full of an atmospheric glaze of mist. Down the Park Lane, police horses trotted back and forth. The away turnstiles at the bottom of the hill were busy. Programmes were hawked. Lottery tickets were sold. A few good friends walked past. A photograph of Alan and Daryl against the stark red-bricked backdrop of the low wall of the Arthur Wait Stand.

Some stadia are antique and charming – step forward Goodison Park, Craven Cottage and Fratton Park – but Selhurst Park does not thrill many. There are grandiose plans to completely redevelop the main stand – a virtual copy of the Archibald Leitch stand at Fulham, and of the old East stand at Chelsea – and turn it into a curving three-tiered edifice, with plenty of glass to honour the original palace which was dismantled at Hyde Park and rebuilt nearby at Sydenham Hill before being destroyed by fire in 1936.

Many would advocate the modernisation of the dark and cavernous Arthur Wait stand as quickly as possible too.

After bumping into many other friends and acquaintances outside the away turnstiles, there was a slight wait for a body search and bag check. In those few moments while I waited in line, and with the mist hanging heavily over the rising terraced houses of the immediate vicinity, and the chitter-chatter of the Chelsea supporters filling the air, a beautiful bonhomie, I found a new love for this enduring game of ours, still enticing thousands and thousands out of their warm houses every week of the season. Football truly is our national game in this historic and magical land of ours and nothing comes remotely close.

I love football like life itself.

The camaraderie. The banter. The friendships. The laughs. The trips. The players. The teams. The heroes. The stadia. The rivalries. The songs. The humour. The smiles. The tears. The routines. The superstitions. The drinks. The fads. The fashions. The clobber. The game itself.

It’s the bollocks.

There were fleeting thoughts of Selhurst Park which cascaded through my mind. There were images and recollections of previous encounters at the same ground going back into history; the iconic photo of Eccles being lead out by the Old Bill in front of the main stand in around 1969, an infamous game in 1982 involving a certain Paul Canoville, my first-ever visit to Selhurst in August 1989 when thousands of Chelsea descended on the Holmesdale Road after two wins out of two but were humbled 3-0 by a Charlton Athletic team which absurdly contained both Colin Pates and Joe McLaughlin in the centre of their defence, a dull 0-0 against Palace in 1991 when I watched from near the former grass bank in the corner between the Arthur Wait and the Holmesdale, the rain sodden League Cup quarter final in 1993, an equally misty evening in 1996 when we defeated Wimbledon in the FA Cup against a bellowing backdrop of noise from the Chelsea support, a win against Wimbledon in 1999 when I watched from the “Sainsbury’s End”, a Geremi free-kick beating Palace in a pre-season friendly in 2003, the first game in England of the Abramovich era, the recent losses, the recent wins, the constant chanting of “we’re top of the league” in 2014, getting soaked in 2016, and getting abruptly turned over by a previously pointless Palace in 2017.

This had the feel of a very old-fashioned football occasion.

Once inside, I struggled to shuffle through the crowds who were massed in that little area in the corner, where quite commendable dance music was booming out over Chelsea fans nursing plastic bottles of cider and lager, and with occasional community singing for good measure.

More familiar faces, more bonhomie.

The Arthur Wait Stand goes back forever. The view from the rear is horrific – I watched the 2003 friendly from this area, it is like watching the game from inside a post-box – and I am not surprised it is the reason why the font rows are always over-subscribed.

“Stand where you want.”

The team news had filtered through; Olivier Giroud was in, as was Ross Barkley.

Kepa

Dave – Toni – David – Marcos

N’Golo – Jorginho – Ross

Willian – Olivier – Eden

I shuffled down to row six and took my position alongside Gal and Parky. But Alan met me with some grave news. The wife of one of our extended band of Chelsea supporters had passed away overnight. I was silent with grief.

Oh my.

Oh bloody hell.

I stood, unable to think, unable to talk. What a cruel world.

My mind was spinning as the teams entered the pitch ten minutes later, and I struggled to get motivated. The teams lined up on the centre-circle and the PA announced that there would be a minute of silent remembrance for all of those Crystal Palace supporters that had passed away in 2018. This was a nice touch, and as the whole crowd stood still and in complete silence, around forty names were displayed on the TV screen above the executive boxes of the “Sainsbury End” to my right.

At the end, the names of the Chelsea players who were sadly taken from us this year was shown too, again a very fine gesture.

Roy Bentley.

Phil McNight.

Derek Saunders.

Ken Shellito.

And then, at the end, a photograph of Ray Wilkins.

My memory recalled that he played – fleetingly – for Crystal Palace too. I still find it hard to believe that Ray Wilkins is no longer with us. On this day, how raw, I remembered one other member of our Chelsea family who was no longer with us.

Rest In Peace.

In truth, I didn’t really feel much like football as the game began. Thoughts of our own, my own, immortality crept into my head.

Chelsea, in all yellow, attacked the Holmesdale Road in the first-half.

Almost immediately, without really thinking – my mind certainly was elsewhere – I found myself singing along to “The famous Tottenham Hotspur went to Rome to see the Pope” and my mind again went into overdrive, quickly equating what the outcome might be.

“Right, we didn’t sing the word on Wednesday at Watford and a lot of beer had been consumed. Nobody has had much to drink this morning; I can’t see it being sung today either.”

Thankfully, the Chelsea support had read the script perfectly.

“Barcelona, Real Madrid, Tottenham are a load of ssssssshhhhhhh.”

And then I felt like admonishing myself for honestly caring about a song when a good mate’s wife was no longer with us.

Fucking hell, football.

Being so low down, the action in front of the men in black, the Holmesdale Ultras, in the corner to my left was a mystery to me. I struggled to get in the game. At the Frome Town game on Saturday, I had revelled in being able to stand behind the goal at the club end and move to my left or right to get a better view. It felt natural. Here, hemmed in my seats and fellow fans, I was stuck in a poor-viewing position, and it did not help my enjoyment of the game. The pitch had been well-watered before the game and was slick. I wished that our passing was slick, too. For all of our possession – apart from a few early forays into our box, Palace were happy to sit back and defend deep – we struggled to hurt their defence.

Wilfred Zaha began as their main threat – a very nimble skip past three Chelsea challenges even drew muted applause from a few fair minded individuals in the Chelsea section – but as is his wont his role soon diminished.

Chelsea attempts on goal were rare throughout the first-half.

There was rising frustration with our reluctance to shoot.

“Bloody hell, shoot. The pitch is wet. If the goalie fumbles, we can pounce on the rebound.”

We were limited to a few speculative efforts. We had been especially hard on Jorginho, to either release the ball early or to shoot. With that, he took aim from distance and thumped a ball ridiculously high and wide of the target. This was met with howls of self-deprecating laughter.

“Ah, fuck it, you’re right, don’t bother next time.”

Ross Barkley was neat and tidy, economical in possession, moving the ball well. Eden Hazard tried his best to twist and turn, to run at players, to cajole others into action. Willian was under-used out on the right wing, a spare part. Olivier Giroud struggled to get involved. N’Golo Kante was everywhere, chasing balls, nicking possession, moving the ball early, just magnificent.

A foul on Hazard, surprise surprise, allowed Willie to clip a ball against the post, just beyond the dive of the Crystal Palace ‘keeper. Bizarrely, the referee gave a corner. From this, my view was blocked but Barkley hot the same post. Another effort from us forced a bona fide save from the ‘keeper Guaita.

A fine shot, from an angle, from Giroud which beat the ‘keeper was flagged for offside, but my view was impeded that I hardly saw the shot nor the flag.

At the break, there was a noticeable gloom amidst the Chelsea support in the murky twilight of Selhurst Park.

“We’ll win this, Gal.”

“0-0 I reckon Chris.”

As the half-time break continued, I turned my back to the choreographed Lycra nonsense of the Palace cheerleaders and the lame penalty shoot-out, and tried to spot a few friends in the crowd. I had already spotted Lynda and T from Brooklyn a few rows behind us before the game. In the depths of the Gents, I had bumped into Mick from Denver, over for just one game. Somewhere in the home section of the Arthur Wait was my work associate Ben, from Germany, who was visiting these shores again. To the day, it was a year ago that I welcomed him to Stamford Bridge for the Stoke City game, when with his friends Jens and Walt, we enjoyed a lovely pub-crawl around Fulham before the match.

The game recommenced with Chelsea on top.

After six minutes of action, with Palace massed in defence and closing our players down, we watched as Kante spotted an avenue of space, and ran from deep. For us in the Chelsea section, this was great viewing, as his run was in line with all of us. He ran past several blue and red shirts and a perfectly lofted ball – not sure from whom, my eyes were on Kante exploiting the gap – was chested into a yard of space and then the ball was turned low past Guatia. The ball just about rolled over the line.

“GET IN.”

We were treated to an N’Goalo.

He was mobbed by his team mates and with good reason. The run and finish was quite exceptional.

I turned to Parky.

“Who passed to him?”

“Luiz.”

“Ah excellent.”

I looked at Alan.

“They’ll have to come at us now.”

“Come on my little diamonds.”

Over Christmas, I had re-watched the famous clip of Tommy Doc in the press box at Stamford Bridge after a Chelsea goal when he uttered his famous phrase –

“Go on my little diamonds. They’ll have to open out now.”

We had joked about how we managed to get it all wrong, all arse about face, but agreed that our little superstition would continue on regardless. I am sure Docherty would not object, it is not like we are paying him royalties.

Was there a reaction from the home side? Not at all.

The game rumbled on but still with little likelihood of us increasing our slender lead. The noise around us was quiet, but louder towards the rear. A couple of efforts, from Willian – out of sorts in this game – and Barkley peppered the Crystal Palace goal. The long lost, and probably forgotten, Connor Wickham came on for Palace. There was another disallowed goal for Giroud, who cleanly converted a Willian pass, but then injured himself in the process. He was replaced by Alvaro Morata, cue lots of hilarious “bants.” We still waited for Palace to “come at us now.”

Eden walked towards us and, on hearing his name being bellowed, clapped and gave us a thumbs-up.

Two late substitutions followed; Emerson for Willian (an odd game for our number twenty-two, he really struggled to get involved) and Mateo Kovacic for Barkley (“he’s not given the ball away much, but he hasn’t done much with it”).

A wild shot from Palace went the same way as the Jorginho effort an hour earlier. But things were now getting nervy in the away section. If we could hang on, we would be a mighty five points ahead of Arsenal. In the last five minutes, Palace at last found their compass and their attacking boots. That man Wickham thankfully slashed a rising ball over after a headed knock-down.

Four minutes of extra time were signalled.

My eyes were on referee Craig Pawson.

With a cheer, he blew up and the game was won.

There is a common phrase, possibly “proper Chelsea” – please God, not “Proper Chels” – and maybe even Chelsea-esque which is doing the rounds these days and it is this :

“Bloody hell, we made hard work of that.”

And dear reader, without more quality in front of the goal, we will hear this phrase again and again.

The players came over to see us, but Sarri did not join them. He likes to keep his distance, which I find a little odd. Alonso threw his shirt into the crowd and there were waves from Luiz and a defiant “Keep the Faith” from captain Dave.

Job done.

We slowly made our way to the top of the stand, and dived in to use “the facilities” one last time. The gents’ toilets at Selhurst are rather primeval, and you need a certain constitution to use them. There were jokes about having to wear Wellington Boots, and to avoid the deep end, but as I descended into hell, I met Alan coming up the steps and he chirped :

“I enjoy potholing.”

That made me chuckle.

Outside, as we gathered together and turned to set off up the slope, Ben from Germany suddenly appeared with his two mates. It was perfect timing. They had attended the darts on Thursday, the Fulham game on Saturday and had now seen Chelsea play once more. It was great to see them again. I had been certain that I would bump into them some when during the day.

We trudged back to the car, and I then headed slowly north and our escape route took us tantalisingly close to Stamford Bridge. Over Wandsworth Bridge, the Thames looking greyer than ever, and then up towards Fulham Broadway. We stopped for food on the North End Road – “can’t keep away” – and I pointed the car west for one last time in 2018.

As I deposited Parky, Glenn and PD off at each of their homes, I said the same thing to all of them.

“Thanks for your friendship this year. See you on Wednesday.”

It has been a great year again. I remember gasping earlier this week when I saw one Chelsea fan describe it as “difficult”; well fuck that, we won the FA Cup in May.

Turning inwards, a word of real appreciation for those of you who continue to support me in my efforts with this website. Just before Christmas – on Christmas Eve no less, almost perfect timing – I was happy to see that I had reached one hundred thousand views since I set this all up in the summer of 2013. And, over the next few hours, last year’s total of 23,847 views will surely be eclipsed (currently on 23,835) although total visitors this year is down.

In those five years, I have seen the UK viewing figures increase and that means a lot to me. Originally on the “Chelsea In America” website from 2008, I have witnessed a decrease in views from the US, but levels have grown elsewhere. I like that. So, thanks to all once more.

For those interested – who does not like a list? – here is the Top Ten.

  1. USA – 41,409
  2. UK – 38,568
  3. Canada – 2,471
  4. Australia – 2,018
  5. Ireland – 1,197
  6. India – 1,002
  7. Germany – 965
  8. Indonesia – 841
  9. Belgium – 679
  10. France – 606

Here’s to 2019. I hope that everyone stays healthy and happy. After a particularly stressful year for me – in a nutshell, work – I am looking forward to a more relaxed twelve months ahead. It really is all about staying healthy and well. Everything else really is gravy.

I will see some of you at Stamford Bridge on Wednesday.