Tottenham Get Battered | CHELSEA/esque

Chelsea vs. Tottenham Hotspur : 19 May 2026.

Chelsea vs. Tottenham. It gets the pulses racing, eh?

It’s always a key fixture every single season against “that lot”, but this one could have been so much bigger, and so much better. If only we could have been able to relegate them on this fourteenth anniversary of “Munich Day.”

If only they hadn’t picked up sufficient points in recent weeks…if only.

If is a big word.

I was up bright and early for another 6am to 2pm shift which would enable me to reach London in good time for the 8.15pm kick-off. After my spate of bad luck occurrences leading up to Saturday’s Cup Final, I wasn’t too happy about seeing seven individual magpies within a three-quarter of a mile stretch of road at the bottom of Bonnyleigh Hill between Frome and Beckington at about 5.30am.

Seven of the buggers!

You could say I was spitting feathers.

But maybe I would have been more worried if I had seen seven cockerels.

As the morning developed, I contemplated the potential enormity of the day. Should Manchester City draw at Bournemouth, Arsenal would become champions for the first time since 2004. If Tottenham were to draw at Stamford Bridge, they would relegate West Ham United, bar a mathematical miracle on the last day of the season.

This could be a day of destiny.

All of this was happening with the backdrop of Chelsea Football Club naming Xabi Alonso as our new manager – not coach, an important difference – on the Sunday after the FA Cup Final. In some ways, it felt that we did not deserve him, what with the way we have ridiculously hired and fired coaches over the last four years. It has been a comedy show, and we have collectively suffered from the constant laughter aimed our way from outside the club.

Alonso is one of Europe’s most respected new coaches. We have done very well to nab him, especially since I am sure that many Liverpool supporters were eying him up as a successor to the unloved Arne Slot.

When I came into work on the Monday, it was noticeable that the several Liverpool supporters in the office, rather than engaging with me about our loss in the Cup Final, were avoiding eye contact.

I think we all know why.

I thought about going up to each one of them and asking them a question :

“So, do I pronounce his name Zavvy, or Zabbi?”

But I resisted the thrill of seeing their teeth grinding and their eyes blubbing.

I worked an early shift, and took PD and Parky along the for the ride as per normal. At Reading Services, after Saturday’s escapade, I was relieved to see that I had used pump #9.

Phew.

I made my way into London and dipped into an Italian for a quick bite on Vanston Place.

The pre-match was spent in the packed and stifling “Tommy Tucker” where we were joined by surprise guests Foxy – and his amazing technicolour haircut – and Drew from Dundee, and George from Czechia. Talk was equally concerned with our stay on Tyneside & Wearside at the weekend as it was with the evening’s game. I was so hot that I only lasted an hour in the pub. I was inside the stadium at 7.15pm, a full hour before kick-off. At that stage in the evening, only a few hundred souls were inside.

Outside at CFCUK stall, I had briefly chatted to CFC writers Marco and Tim; they agreed with me that we were ridiculously lucky to have been able to acquire Alonso.

I chatted with Big John about that beautiful game against Tottenham in 2016 when we came back from trailing 0-2 at the break to draw 2-2 and to deny them their first league title since 1961. How can that be ten years ago?

John said that the game “had it all.”

I replied : “Yes it did, including three thousand miserable Tottenham pricks.”

Unfortunately, both Alan and Clive could not attend this one, but it was a pleasure to welcome Daryl to The Sleepy Hollow who had picked up Alan’s ticket late on. I can’t remember the last time we had watched a game next to each other; maybe at a New York Mets game in 2015.

The stadium filled, the players did their pre-match runs and stretches down below us, and with about ten minutes to go to kick-off, there was a rumble of “Oh when the Spurs…” in the rear reaches of the lower tier of the away section.

Joao Pedro was presented with his “Player of the Year” award; he would have received my vote for sure.

Calum McFarlane decided upon this eleven, and we found it odd that neither Levi Colwill nor Joao Pedro were featured.

Sanchez

Acheampong – Fofana – Hato – Cucurella

Caicedo – Santos

Neto – Palmer – Fernandez

Delap

The minutes ticked by, and the seats that were unused around me thankfully filled.

The usual fizzbombs, flames and flashes.

Then “The Liquidator” and I joined in with the “We Hate Tot’num” chant which was louder than bombs.

But a slight concern and a slight worry; oddly Tottenham chose to wear their all-yellow away kit, with a navy yoke, and it brought back instant horrific memories of their visit in November 1978.

They had risen to the First Division after one year in the second flight in 1977/78 and shocked the football world with the acquisition of Argentina’s two World Cup Winners Osvaldo Ardiles and Ricardo Villa. Despite seeing Tottenham at home in 1974, I wanted to see them again in only my tenth game at Stamford Bridge. It was a supremely hot ticket; these two signings had captured the imagination of the entire football world, and I couldn’t wait to see Ardiles, especially. Stamford Bridge was stretched to its limit with a gate of 41,594. Chelsea went ahead with an overhead goal from Tommy Langley, but to my sadness the visitors – in an all-yellow kit with navy trim on their chest – came back to win 3-1. The aggro inside Stamford Bridge before the game had been the stuff of legend, and the whole arena was a bowl of animosity. The visitors from N17 packed out the entire northern terrace and their loud chant of “We are Tottenham from the Lane” would haunt me for years.

The game kicked off and thankfully there was no modern-day equivalent of Osvaldo Ardiles nor Glenn Hoddle in this Tottenham team.

Both teams had a few early approaches into each other’s penalty boxes. It was ridiculous how my mind’s eye played ridiculous tricks with my brain; Robert Sanchez was dressed in all orange, with his protective cap, and the Cech vibes were uncanny.

Both Daryl and I were upset with the widespread booing of Conor Gallagher; some of our fans are absolute fools.

Conor did not want to leave Chelsea. His whole family are supporters of the club. When it was clear that the hierarchy wanted to cash in on him – and I suspect that this action acted as a major factor in Pochettino leaving – he must have felt betrayed. He chose Atletico Madrid when Tottenham, allegedly, first came sniffing. I bet my life that he hated signing for them.

I felt for him.

I said to Daryl “he’s no Gordon Durie, after all.”

Indeed, he wasn’t. Durie wanted to head north, closer to his family in Scotland, so imagine our surprise and disgust when he didn’t choose the north, but the North Circular instead. His move to Tottenham in the summer of 1991 is still infamous thirty-five years later. Never has a former Chelsea player been as vilified by us as he was at White Hart Lane in the August of that year.

A cross from Tottenham right was deflected just wide of our goal by Jorrel Hato. Not long after, Mathys Tel – whoever he is – met a cross with a diving header and at first glance it looked like Sanchez had performed a fantastic reflex save at his post. The replay showed that he did not lay a finger on it; we heaved a sigh of relief.

There was a shot from Cole Palmer that curled at the Shed End goal, but the wonderfully named Antonin Kinsky was able to palm away.

It is not known if he was wearing Kinsky boots.

On eighteen minutes, the ball was floated up to Palmer who had drifted to the right. I saw that he needed help, so yelped out

“Go on support him.”

With that Pedro Neto raced forward to carry out my instructions perfectly.

Neto drifted inside and then played the ball to Enzo, who – without hesitation – decided to take aim and shoot at goal. The ball was hit from thirty yards out and flew into the net’ dropping into the corner at the last moment.

How we celebrated.

The place erupted.

I had taken a photo of the shot but it’s way too blurred to share here; the subsequent photos of his euphoric match down to the corner flag are a tad better.

This was fantastic. We were up 1-0 against the old enemy, and life was suddenly good again.

The visitors tried their best to get into promising positions, but our defenders were solid and tenacious when needed. To be honest, I thought we bossed the middle part of the half. Joas Acheampong, who has lots of admirers within our support, made some fine tackles and blocks. The pugnacious Cucurella, on the other flank, too.

I took two photos of a free kick that was awarded to us out on our left. First, Enzo standing over the ball focussing on the task ahead, and my photo in focus too. Second, the ball rebounding in a blur off the crossbar, with Kinsky beaten. Alas, too blurred to share. It again needed a TV replay for us to realise a ‘keeper had not managed to get a hand on the ball and that the goal’s frame saved the defending team.

The Tottenham support was gloriously quiet.

Tel was playing with one thigh ridiculously exposed, and it looked like he had tucked one leg of his shorts into his Y-fronts. I wondered if this was his thing, his superstition; maybe a little like how Wayne Grettzky used to tuck his NHL jersey in on one side.

The visitors enjoyed a fair proportion of the ball in the first half but didn’t look composed in possession. They rarely troubled us.

Daryl told me how he changed trains on his way in from Essex at Tower Hill, and that there were no eastbound trains on the District Line for a while. Apparently, a voice on the Tannoy announced that there was a points failure at West Ham.

I still don’t know if he was serious or not.

Late on in the half, a lone strike from Palmer whistled wide of the far post.

At the break, the consensus was that we had played well enough and that Tottenham were poor. Gallagher had not really been too involved. Out of interest, we had heard early in the evening that Bournemouth were beating City 1-0, and although this news did not go down too well, just imagine what the N17 contingent made of it; not only was their game going against them, but Arsenal were close to gaining their first league title for over two decades.

The second half began with Chelsea attacking us in the Matthew Harding.

Tottenham had more of the ball, and their supporters reacted with a sustained period of noise. Their small selection of songs was aired; you know the ones.

Their infamous “Yid Army” chant was loud, and I still feel uneasy hearing it.

Richarlison was involved in two half-chances and for a while, we had seemed to shrink into ourselves a little. However, as the noise from the away section grew, I was really pleased and proud with the way that the home crowd responded so loudly.

“CAM ON CHOWLSEA – CAM ON CHOWLSEA – CAM ON CHOWLSEA – CAM ON CHOWLSEA.”

I made my own special little contribution.

“Get in the game Chels.”

Someone must have heard me; we dug in and reacted nicely.

We were on the back foot no longer.

On sixty-seven minutes, we gathered possession from an errant Tottenham pass and Palmer was able to roam forward into lots of space; I picked up my camera, sixth-sensing a special moment. I caught his run on film. The ball was played out to Neto on the right, and he spotted two Chelsea bodies at the back post. Perhaps the cross was aimed at Delap, but Enzo was able to knock the ball back towards Santos as it fell short.

He swiped at the ball, I clicked my camera, Kinsky was beaten and the net rippled.

The place roared and so did I. I jumped up to the platform to my left and punched the air with both fists. I then realised that the scorer was running towards Enzo, down below us, and my camera clicked into action.

Snap, snap, snap, snap, snap, snap, snap, snap.

Our goal arrived at just the right time.

For a few moments, Stamford Bridge resembled the Stamford Bridge of old, and I buzzed at the greatness of it all.

If only all atmospheres could be like the one enveloping our famous old ground.

Just after, Tottenham made a triple substitution that included James Maddison and his COVID hair.

Sadly, on seventy-three minutes, a ball came in from the Tottenham right and there was a smart back-heel – from afar, it wasn’t unlike that of Semenyo at Wembley – that played in Richarlison. Both Daryl and I were hoping that an off-side flag would be raised, but no. The former Everton man slotted it home.

The lead was now slender; 2-1. It meant that if Tottenham scored one more, they would be safe from relegation.

A substitution was made on seventy-four minutes; Trevoh Chalobah for Acheampong.

What followed was a super-nervy period of over twenty minutes, taking in the seven minutes of injury time. Rarely have I felt so consumed by nerves and anxiety.

Elsewhere, Manchester City scored a ridiculously late equaliser, but the damage was done; Arsenal were Champions.

Yawn.

This was the match that counted.

On eighty-one minutes, Mamadou Sarr replaced Fofana.

In an almost comedic moment, Delap was put through on goal in a race with a defender, but he too easily brought his hands up and blatantly pushed his combatant. What a bloody fool. He was booked.

This is a familiar Delap ploy. I remembered similar actions at Wrexham and Wembley; coming on as a late substitute, his first actions in both games were to manhandle an opponent with a shove in the back.

Pathetic.

A friend in the US soon sent me a WhatsApp message:

“Chris. Serious question. Have you ever seen a lower IQ player at Chelsea than Delap?”

I didn’t reply immediately but soon told him; “nerves in tatters.”

Three more substitutions took place on eighty-nine minutes, and I seriously doubted if this was wise.

Alejandro Garnacho for Neto.

Dario Essugo for Palmer.

Shim Mheuka for Delap.

We were now Delapidated, but hopefully not dilapidated.

The game continued, and there seemed to be attack after attack on our goal. Thankfully all the Tottenham moves came to nothing, but we had to rely on a strong Hato block on Maddison near the goal to preserve our lead.

The final whistle was met with relief by everyone, and I soon posted on “Facebook.”

“The more things change, the more they stay the same.”

And nothing illustrates this more than our almost inhuman dominance over Tottenham Hotspur, especially in SW6, over the past thirty-six years.

I walked out past the Osgood statue, I remembered the #9 pump at the services, and I over-heard a fellow fan utter that it was a “good-ish game” and I knew exactly what he meant.

It wasn’t always top quality, and it was contested between two average teams.

Well, one average team.

But it seriously didn’t matter. We had beaten Tottenham. Their one point for safety had evaporated in the evening air. Our mighty home record against them continued unabashed.

But, oh my nerves.

See you on Sunday on Wearside.